letter for me from the other me

How to start to appease the reader for this unexpected words? I do not know.

I am humbly writing praying that all will get better after this. I don't need any reaction, just bear with me because for me, I need this. This is the way to make me feel totally in peace with myself.

It has been a while, but up until now, I hear stories, news of the past I never really tried asking and finding. Yet, they all reached me.I have stayed silent. Many times, the situation seemed to lure me for reaction yet I didn't speak, not because I didn't care, not because I was hiding. I was just waiting for something. I was not in a need to explain to people, I was not in the need to avoid it. I just let myself stick to the words left for me that very last time. Let me wait...if the time would come and be ready to deal with me again, then let me wait. I was..I am, right until now...I guess, I don't need to wait much longer. So let me do this.

I am happy. It has always been a tough life, most of the time I ask why. But I am, and I thank God, for giving me a chance to be comfortable with what I have again. Blessings are pouring everyday..and I realized how God works amazingly in our lives. Now I find myself contented with what is currently given. Faith is keeping me happy.

Few years ago, I was not this person. Years ago, it was when I fell apart, it was when I got tired of faith, and through those times I lost almost everything.. I won't enumerate, but for the times I was gone, wasn't able to talk to and be felt, I knew them all, I was guilty of that..of letting it happened. I knew it would hurt, I knew that if I let it happened, I would lost the most important thing. But I didn't do anything because that time, I was the one who needed saving, and was expecting that 'that one thing' would save me but my expectations were too high and when I did not saw it, I was disappointed and so I let it slipped away from me.

I did not say that whatever was done before was right for me. At one point, I was selfish, and so insensitive, I was asking for more...but didn't ask for it in the rightest of ways. I just let it walked away from me 'cause I never really knew what I really wanted that time. Yet through all those things, right or wrong, it happened and passed.. I accepted the fact that I followed my own reasoning and made mistakes.. but I never had regrets for important lessons came to be learned.

But then again...those things that you weren't able to end right...would run back to you even how far you've gone to and up until now, they keep chasing.


I was thinking if someone hated me?
I was thinking why it needed to affect other people?
I was thinking what was the feeling of being left behind and being avoided?
I was thinking why someone had to lose a friend amidst what happened?

I do not need any explanations now. I have understood. It was not easy to be okay after a big breakdown in life. There was no quick way to get back to being normal. People change, we don't need to explain ourselves. I don't need an answer, i just want to tell my answer. I have been thinking about everything, it was important to understand a certain thing because it was simply essential and up until now,yes, it is still important to me, atleast being the fact that it is part of who I was and am today. Apologies for all the things I did that hurt. For the things that wasn't understood and wasn't explained. I became unfaithful emotionally, asked for attention, looked for someone who I could talk to, made a way not to feel sad, that time I did not know how to survive without the most important thing and so I found a way out of my loneliness being on my own. Sorry...for the pain and hate, for the shortcomings and insensitivity. Sorry for the love unshowed and misunderstood. For everything that happened, it came down to these things...there was healing after, growth, strength to go forward, chances to start anew. and for that, I treat as blessings in disguise.

Look at life today. Honestly I am feeling good. For what it's worth, we find special things. I can just say that as long as we know we are into something that will fix us as we find love, nothing else matters but our own life in contentment. I am wholeheartedly praying for happiness.

The point of me writing is not to expect any from anyone at all from this. If my apologies will be accepted? That I will continue praying for. But one thing that will free me from all these awkwardness is, I can promise that I can be better, no more second thoughts of feeling good towards something. I am settling myself to be free from anything less than good intentions.
I want everyone to be happy, and I want to be happy 'for' everyone.

Life is good. Take care of it.

fact is

simple is complicated enough
SIMPLE

"I wish that when I was younger I could have met my current self. We would have sat down at a coffee shop so that I could explain life to young me in terms that only we would understand. It would have saved me a lot of hardship.

You can listen to all the sage wisdom you want, but things only make sense when you can explain them to yourself in your own words. For instance, I’ve been told for three years that Breaking Bad is the best show on television, but only after I watched it was I able to tell myself exactly why everyone was right. Other truths I know now that I can explain them: that I’m not missing any crucial information and that poker really isn’t all that fun; that heartbreaks do fade but they take about a year longer than you expect and by the time they do you really don’t care about it enough to notice; and above all else, life is simpler than you think.

I used to think that life was an intricate series of levers and pulleys, buttons and switches, Mexican standoffs and hostage negotiations. As I get older I realize that life is more Netherlands minimalist than Jackson Pollock. The problems don’t get fewer, and in fact they grow in number, but the way I index them in the database is different. More problems get filed under fewer category headers.

Things are getting simpler, and it’s making life better. Here’s the cheat sheet:

People want to be liked. We all crave attention and affection and we all reject shame. When we get embarrassed we send a thug version of ourselves to the forefront to do our fighting for us. We’re at the top of the food chain just under fear. We don’t want to be in a relationship to hear the words “I love you,” we want to be in a relationship to say the words “I love you.” We want to feel needed, and exceptional and we hate feeling insignificant. We want to ace a hearing test. We are binary creatures; if we’re the plaintiff, we want to win every dollar. If we’re the defendant, we want guard every penny. We want to make more money than last year. We don’t want to get cancer or die in our cars and we want the same for our loved ones. We go out on weekends to try and have sex while trying not to get punched in the face. We drink so we can be ourselves and not mind it so much. We’re desperate to be understood. We want to know someone else has felt it, too. We hate being judged unfairly. We want to make the person we heard wasn’t all that into us change their minds and admit they had us wrong. We want sunny skies with a chance of killer tornadoes, just to keep music sounding good. We take hours upon hours to admit to self consciousness. We don’t know exactly how to pleasure each other. We just want love. In any and every form.

See? It’s simple. :) "

- John C. Mayer
 http://jhnmyr.tumblr.com/

43

happy days...here you come...

blessings

digest every word...and live.

"A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker. A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker.
Ambition is like love, impatient both of delays and rivals.
However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do you if you do not act on upon them? An idea that is developed and put into action is more important than an idea that exists only as an idea.
Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.
The foot feels the foot when it feels the ground.
The tongue like a sharp knife… Kills without drawing blood.
Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful. "

- Paolo Coehlo

http://paulocoelhoblog.com/

kids

weekend was all about...kids.

she is the other

'have you ever prayed you would wake up different the next day?'


A fire red mowhawk hair or might as well no hair at all!! a thick sick makeup to cover the face and a deafening sound of pure rock and roll. Best! I could just imagine. I should've been a rockstar! How many times did I tell myself that? I should have picked to be the other person...

I should've been travelling the world by now..entering and exiting different airports. walking cobbledstoned streets, sitting at a hundred year old park, discovering authentic architecture, watching endless series of sunsets of my life...laughing, talking and learning with different strangers.

I shoul've been writing best selling novels, creating characters more powerful than Edward and Bella. More historic than the Alcott sisters. More phenomenal than the aussie clownfish. More memorable than Snow White and the 7 dwarfs...touching one's life.

I could've been a lover, a wife, a parent, taking the next level of the game.

"could've, would've, should've?"

At the end of 'today', I would turn off my computer, cross the street , take the train, hail a bus, walk along a strange neighborhood and face another round of life with a sad lazy dog, a bored clumsy bear, a Jim Stark wannabe and a sick dying elephant..battle for hours through silence until dreams catch and give us all a break.


'Better days', i could almost taste it.

office desk

how messy am I today??? declutter me please ;)

d-day

and when all seems nothing more than an empty silent space...
when there's no word that rhyme with any...
not even a feeling that makes sense...
I look for a way out...
someone..something..anything...
to save.

thank you http://www.iwrotethisforyou.me/