How to start to appease the reader for this unexpected words? I do not know.
I am humbly writing praying that all will get better after this. I don't need any reaction, just bear with me because for me, I need this. This is the way to make me feel totally in peace with myself.
It has been a while, but up until now, I hear stories, news of the past I never really tried asking and finding. Yet, they all reached me.I have stayed silent. Many times, the situation seemed to lure me for reaction yet I didn't speak, not because I didn't care, not because I was hiding. I was just waiting for something. I was not in a need to explain to people, I was not in the need to avoid it. I just let myself stick to the words left for me that very last time. Let me wait...if the time would come and be ready to deal with me again, then let me wait. I was..I am, right until now...I guess, I don't need to wait much longer. So let me do this.
I am happy. It has always been a tough life, most of the time I ask why. But I am, and I thank God, for giving me a chance to be comfortable with what I have again. Blessings are pouring everyday..and I realized how God works amazingly in our lives. Now I find myself contented with what is currently given. Faith is keeping me happy.
Few years ago, I was not this person. Years ago, it was when I fell apart, it was when I got tired of faith, and through those times I lost almost everything.. I won't enumerate, but for the times I was gone, wasn't able to talk to and be felt, I knew them all, I was guilty of that..of letting it happened. I knew it would hurt, I knew that if I let it happened, I would lost the most important thing. But I didn't do anything because that time, I was the one who needed saving, and was expecting that 'that one thing' would save me but my expectations were too high and when I did not saw it, I was disappointed and so I let it slipped away from me.
I did not say that whatever was done before was right for me. At one point, I was selfish, and so insensitive, I was asking for more...but didn't ask for it in the rightest of ways. I just let it walked away from me 'cause I never really knew what I really wanted that time. Yet through all those things, right or wrong, it happened and passed.. I accepted the fact that I followed my own reasoning and made mistakes.. but I never had regrets for important lessons came to be learned.
But then again...those things that you weren't able to end right...would run back to you even how far you've gone to and up until now, they keep chasing.
I was thinking if someone hated me?
I was thinking why it needed to affect other people?
I was thinking what was the feeling of being left behind and being avoided?
I was thinking why someone had to lose a friend amidst what happened?
I do not need any explanations now. I have understood. It was not easy to be okay after a big breakdown in life. There was no quick way to get back to being normal. People change, we don't need to explain ourselves. I don't need an answer, i just want to tell my answer. I have been thinking about everything, it was important to understand a certain thing because it was simply essential and up until now,yes, it is still important to me, atleast being the fact that it is part of who I was and am today. Apologies for all the things I did that hurt. For the things that wasn't understood and wasn't explained. I became unfaithful emotionally, asked for attention, looked for someone who I could talk to, made a way not to feel sad, that time I did not know how to survive without the most important thing and so I found a way out of my loneliness being on my own. Sorry...for the pain and hate, for the shortcomings and insensitivity. Sorry for the love unshowed and misunderstood. For everything that happened, it came down to these things...there was healing after, growth, strength to go forward, chances to start anew. and for that, I treat as blessings in disguise.
Look at life today. Honestly I am feeling good. For what it's worth, we find special things. I can just say that as long as we know we are into something that will fix us as we find love, nothing else matters but our own life in contentment. I am wholeheartedly praying for happiness.
The point of me writing is not to expect any from anyone at all from this. If my apologies will be accepted? That I will continue praying for. But one thing that will free me from all these awkwardness is, I can promise that I can be better, no more second thoughts of feeling good towards something. I am settling myself to be free from anything less than good intentions.
I want everyone to be happy, and I want to be happy 'for' everyone.
Life is good. Take care of it.
I am humbly writing praying that all will get better after this. I don't need any reaction, just bear with me because for me, I need this. This is the way to make me feel totally in peace with myself.
It has been a while, but up until now, I hear stories, news of the past I never really tried asking and finding. Yet, they all reached me.I have stayed silent. Many times, the situation seemed to lure me for reaction yet I didn't speak, not because I didn't care, not because I was hiding. I was just waiting for something. I was not in a need to explain to people, I was not in the need to avoid it. I just let myself stick to the words left for me that very last time. Let me wait...if the time would come and be ready to deal with me again, then let me wait. I was..I am, right until now...I guess, I don't need to wait much longer. So let me do this.
I am happy. It has always been a tough life, most of the time I ask why. But I am, and I thank God, for giving me a chance to be comfortable with what I have again. Blessings are pouring everyday..and I realized how God works amazingly in our lives. Now I find myself contented with what is currently given. Faith is keeping me happy.
Few years ago, I was not this person. Years ago, it was when I fell apart, it was when I got tired of faith, and through those times I lost almost everything.. I won't enumerate, but for the times I was gone, wasn't able to talk to and be felt, I knew them all, I was guilty of that..of letting it happened. I knew it would hurt, I knew that if I let it happened, I would lost the most important thing. But I didn't do anything because that time, I was the one who needed saving, and was expecting that 'that one thing' would save me but my expectations were too high and when I did not saw it, I was disappointed and so I let it slipped away from me.
I did not say that whatever was done before was right for me. At one point, I was selfish, and so insensitive, I was asking for more...but didn't ask for it in the rightest of ways. I just let it walked away from me 'cause I never really knew what I really wanted that time. Yet through all those things, right or wrong, it happened and passed.. I accepted the fact that I followed my own reasoning and made mistakes.. but I never had regrets for important lessons came to be learned.
But then again...those things that you weren't able to end right...would run back to you even how far you've gone to and up until now, they keep chasing.
I was thinking if someone hated me?
I was thinking why it needed to affect other people?
I was thinking what was the feeling of being left behind and being avoided?
I was thinking why someone had to lose a friend amidst what happened?
I do not need any explanations now. I have understood. It was not easy to be okay after a big breakdown in life. There was no quick way to get back to being normal. People change, we don't need to explain ourselves. I don't need an answer, i just want to tell my answer. I have been thinking about everything, it was important to understand a certain thing because it was simply essential and up until now,yes, it is still important to me, atleast being the fact that it is part of who I was and am today. Apologies for all the things I did that hurt. For the things that wasn't understood and wasn't explained. I became unfaithful emotionally, asked for attention, looked for someone who I could talk to, made a way not to feel sad, that time I did not know how to survive without the most important thing and so I found a way out of my loneliness being on my own. Sorry...for the pain and hate, for the shortcomings and insensitivity. Sorry for the love unshowed and misunderstood. For everything that happened, it came down to these things...there was healing after, growth, strength to go forward, chances to start anew. and for that, I treat as blessings in disguise.
Look at life today. Honestly I am feeling good. For what it's worth, we find special things. I can just say that as long as we know we are into something that will fix us as we find love, nothing else matters but our own life in contentment. I am wholeheartedly praying for happiness.
The point of me writing is not to expect any from anyone at all from this. If my apologies will be accepted? That I will continue praying for. But one thing that will free me from all these awkwardness is, I can promise that I can be better, no more second thoughts of feeling good towards something. I am settling myself to be free from anything less than good intentions.
I want everyone to be happy, and I want to be happy 'for' everyone.
Life is good. Take care of it.
Sometimes, life makes us deal with tough times. Yes, its our choice to dwell with it while coping with its toughness. its also our choice to survive soon after and stand up stronger than you were after dealing with it. We are meant to cling to each other with every happiness dissipating moment life smacks us with.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations bes for being who you were and who you are right now. i was and will continuously be proud of you.
i just read this comment.
ReplyDeletewow..thanks as well, you never fail to say the right words to me.
we are who we are with the help of eachother...for that, i will forever be grateful.